29.) Anaconda Wrestling - A Not So Funny, Funny Story

I want to tell you at the outset that this story is 100% true and it is just a little tasteless. I do not care whether you believe it or not. And if it offends, then I am sorry, but this was a very significant event in my life and I want to talk about it. If you don't like it, then you can stop reading now, but you can tell by what I have written so far that I am not going to go get all obscene or anything... :)

I give you a picture below to sort of set the stage for this. It happened in a very twisty part of the road that went on for miles. This section was north of Rodeo before getting to Hidalgo Parral. Very remote area. Kinda like this.



Nowhere to pull off. Nowhere to stop. No way to get off the road. No shoulders. No gas stations. No houses.

Nowhere to take a dump...

I start getting the urge to have a BM. The urge gets stronger, but the road gets longer. After riding like this for about an hour, things are really starting to get urgent, but there is nothing I can easily do. There is quite a bit of traffic, and even if I do stop on the side of the road, I cannot easily scale down a cliff to do my business. I start getting desperate.

So get this. Such is my luck. On one of the hairpin switchback curves, two tractor trailer rigs manage to wedge themselves together at the apex of the turn, thereby stopping all traffic. Marvelous. And the story is only getting started.

Luckily, right behind me in the traffic procession is a tour bus. Behind him are about 20 assorted cars trucks and busses. I get off the bike, and go knock on the door of the bus. I talk to the driver and explain my situation and ask if I can use the toilet in the bus. He refuses.

After about 5 minutes of negotiation, and a promise being made to exchange a certain sum of money, I get ready to board the bus to do my duty so to speak. My anticipation is growing, if you know what I mean.

Right before I set foot on the bottom step of the bus, the semi-trucks ahead on the curve unwedge themselves and traffic starts moving again. With 20 vehicles behind the bus, I cannot possibly hold them all up by entering the bus for some undetermined amount of time. So it is back to the bike I go... Without relief.

I start up the bike again and ride 20 more miles. By now, my intestines are severely impacted. Serious pain is happening here. Finally, we jet into a very small town. Like most small towns, it has a deposito (beer store).

I limp into the deposito and there are three Mexican men in the store. I say I have two problems. Number one is that I need some bottled water, and number two is that I gotta do a number two in a very major way.

They begin laughing at me. I turn red.

I tell them again that this is not a joke. It is an emergency. They laugh more. I ask if there is a toilet in the store, they say "no hay". (No) I ask each of them if they live close by and if they would be willing to take me to their house to take a dump. I would be willing to pay generously I say. Each of them says that nobody lives in the town. The town is only the store, and that there are no toilets in the town. I cannot believe this. I probably make a good 5 minutes of conversation with the men as they laugh at my situation!

Finally, one of the men tells me to do like they do. Just go behind the building and torque one there. This is looking like it is going to be the only option. So, I buy my water, grab a stack of napkins, and head for the door, fully intending on turning the corner to sniff the other piles behind the building.

As I get to the door, I try one last desperate question. I ask "how far to the next Pemex?" I know Pemexes always have toilets. They say, "oh there is one right around the next curve in the road, about 2 miles down..."

Two miles down the road! I have been having world class pain for nigh on two hours, and have been quizzing these guys for at least 5 minutes, only to find out that there is a toilet 2 miles away, and it is free, and I can use it!!! You would have thought that when I was asking each of the men if they would take me to their house to take a dump that someone would have thought of the Pemex.

But no, this is Mexico... Stuff like this happens in Mexico...

So, I get on my bike. I hit over 100 mph getting to that Pemex.

It was the most enjoyable encounter with a filthy restroom I have ever had in my life. I am already fully done and exiting the restroom before Jim gets to the parking lot. Needless to say, he is belly laughing. Finally, I can start laughing about it too. We do laugh about it.

There, I told it! Hope you are not offended. If you are, then you better just get over it, cause if you read this far, you have more than a little culpability in this obscenity thing here too!